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My brother's girlfriend will be here soon. It sucks. I don't have anything against her yet she still annoys me for some reason. She is very nice, always cheerful, a very positive person. So why I want to avoid seeing or hearing her all the time? Well, I'm always weary with new people, maybe that's it. I'm thinking a lot about her these days. My brother is realy important to me so I would like to get along with his girlfriend. But so far, no progress. She is such a girly girl - the artistic musician non - rational type. She is also a bit shy around new people (maybe?). It is so awkward to try to talk to her. What to do? Should I just keep avoiding her? Maybe that would be the acceptable thing to do? It is possible that she doesn't think that it is mandatory to get along with me. It isn't , of course. It's just that sometimes I think about the distant future where my brother has a family and I want to be welcome there. I probably won't have a family, so I realy want to be this fun aunt (nobody rebels against their fun aunt :D).
For me it is more difficult to get along with girls for some reason. Well , actually I'm kind of sociophobic, so I have trouble with almost every social interaction. But usually I feel less tension with guys (with a few exeptions). Maybe I just respect them less :D Because I am fat and really not pretty and sometimes I feel like guys also don't respect me. But maybe they just feel less tension around me because I'm not pretty. But when I'm talking with girls I feel more pressure because I'm afraid that I could say something wrong and they will get offended and sometimes I won't even know that because they tend to remain friendly even if they don't like me. Of course ,this could be just in my head. But it still makes me awkward around girls. I wish I had more female friends. Maybe I could confide in them ,instead of the internet :D
Well, my brother will soon get back with his girlfriend , so bye. I feel a bit better .
I feel imprisoned. Everything is really terrible. It is so ridiculously terrible I almost want to laugh. That means I'm exaggerating. Well, as one of my acquaintances said: I always see just black and white. There's no middle ground. Still -how come life sucks so much? I can't connect with any people whatsoever and I'm starting to think it's impossible. Or maybe I'm being pessimistic so I wouldn't have to work for anything. Whatever. I don't want to work for my happiness. I think I'm entitled to it like everybody else. However ,I could bet that more than half of people in the world are unhappy. Some (like me) just make their life harder themselves, others are victims of circumstances. Sometimes I just want to drop everything, run away and live in a forest or something. Nature is so amazing. But people suck. It's not their fault. They are just terribly designed creatures.
Recently I've been watching a lot of movies (they work wonders on silencing my annoying inner thoughts). I really liked some of them. If you have some free time I would recommend to watch:
Trust by Hal Hartley. Awesome. It's about a friendship between some pregnant cheerleader and a crazy dude. The movie gave me hope that probably some real sincere connections between people exist.
Happiness by some director ,I don't know. It's kind of dark but if you like really cruel jokes, you'll probably like this movie.
The Machinist - psychological thriller inspired by Dostoevsky's works.
The Game - also psychological thriller but ending is refreshingly unpredictable
The Strange days- a dystopic movie about LA
I am also reading Aldous Huxley's "Island" The book really got me thinking. It's about a perfect society in an forbidden island. I love how the characters in the book always talk about how crappy life is everywhere in the world except for their island. I totally disagree with a lot of ideas in the book but it is still fun to read. The main point is ,I guess, to use your sanity in everyday life and how we all act insane and because of that we are unhappy. I really try to think like that but I just get tired and want to run away even more. Why am I complaining so much? :D I don't know. I guess writing out my bad mood helps.

Life sucks again

I would like for God to take me home now cause this world is not where I belong. I can't fucking stand it anymore. I would be okay if there wouldn't be so much annoying people around. I'm doing it again. Communicating. What's the point? Surely I cannot connect with people just by complaining in a stupid journal. I have no personality damnit. I wish I had a way of life. Everything would be fine. I would love to be a drug smuggler if that would give me a sense of belonging. Now all I do is complaining and being lazy and reading stupid fanfiction for crying out loud. And of course drinking and smoking. Recently I always feel like I am about to explode when I'm at the labs with people from my group. They seem okay but I just can't stand them. No one even glances at me. Some of them are extremely annoying like this one bitch with a big nose. She never acknowledges me, doesn't even say hi and she has that special aura which makes me want to strangle her. You know those girls who are really ambitious and always try to talk with guys because they want to look cooler ,I suppose. I can't explain it. I just can't stand that she is hogging all the guys' attention. That's weird ,because I'm not exactly interested in guys, especially those from my group(they are all not my type). I probably never will have a partner but that's not the point. So, anyway, this girl reminds me a bit of "Cutthroat bitch" (Amber) from House m.d. Even though, I liked Amber. She is quite interesting, though (that girl). She looks weird, like some kind of sadistic ,robotic vampire. Her face resembles a wax mask or something. She looks kind of cool ,only, a bit unpleasant. I think I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, I get really crazy and stalkerish about the people I'm jealous of. Well, I need to get a life. I'm amused now, for some reason... Maybe I'm just tired. Well, good night.
For some reason I'm feeling better just this moment. I don't know why. Maybe because today I had a nice cleansing crying session. I have noticed before that after I think that everything is wrong and there is no hope there comes this breaking point when I can't do nothing but cry. And after that my mood often brightens. Truly ,my depression is like a gloomy storm with sun sometimes shining brightly through the clouds.

Stupid depression

Sometimes I feel really strange ,as though I don't exist. As if I am already dead and only my body gets up every morning and does all the stuff like a robot - without thinking and with no emotions. It's not that I have stopped thinking. But my thoughts are always not related to the task my body is doing. It seems as if I am watching myself from afar (without much interest). That is rather depressing. Now everything is rather depressing.
I'm going to write about one topic which is the most interesting to me because it suits my lifestyle - suicide. I like to call myself a felo-de-se-in-theory because I never actually tried to kill myself. But I do think my life is worthless. I am of no use to anyone ,even myself, because I hate myself so much. It sucks to write about this... but ,I guess, some part of me still wants to live and enjoy life and, that's the most realistic, to be comforted. I still would like to hear that I should live because everything will work out even for a hopeless person like me. Maybe that is the reason why I am even writing this. It's pathetic ,but whatever...
So recently my self-hatred and depression(if you could call it that) resurfaced after being absent for quite some time. I am feeling so tired, so purposeless. Every five minutes I think :"Why won't I just die?". If somebody will read this they would probably wonder why am I so disappointed in everything. I was thinking this over for long sad years and the answer is very simple: I am just unfit to function in human society. I don't have any friends because I am weird, unpleasant, somehow inferior to other people. Everyone I know is so perfect compared to me. It's probably a serious personality disorder -this low self-esteem and all the sociophobias of mine. The stupidest thing is that I don't quite want to change. I like being alone, however ,at the same time I feel so totally goddamn lonely. Maybe I'm not the only one like that. I know there are people who are imperfect ,just like me. But there's almost no chance to find them and finally, make some friends. So I just want to quit living. The alienation, the loneliness, the self-loathing -it's so painful.
However, I am not planning to actually kill myself. It is really tempting but there are things that are stopping me. I can't hurt my family so much. A child's death is always a tragedy, no matter ,how worthless the kid is. So I am just stuck in this strange world with barely any connections with reality and a constant yearning to die. But there are still some aspects of the suicide topic that I would like to discuss. Firstly ,I'm just gonna raise some questions:
-Do you think suicide is a crime? (in a religious pov, in a natural pov) Why?
-Why do you think only humans come up with the suicide idea? (And go through with it)
-Should the one about to commit suicide be worried about the afterlife?
-In general: is suicide wrong or is it every person's right to decide when he should die?
-Are there possible situations when you rather choose death than life?

Feel free to express your opinion :) I will express mine in the next post.


The euphoria of beginning a new episode of my life has faded. I am now studying at a medical university. At first I thought medicine was really cool. But ,my god, is it boring. It should get more interesting in a long run but now I am just memorizing all little body parts in latin. It is so mind- numbingly tedious! And not easy ,too. I am having doubts about my chosen career as a future medic. What are the most important traits of a good doctor? I'd say responsibility, seriousness, quick-thinking, concentration, compassion maybe ? I lack all of these things! I sure can easily learn and memorize everything about human anatomy but that is not enough. Will I be able to carry a burden of being responsible for other people's lives?
At least I have a lot of time to think about it ,cause my studies will continue for the next six years. I hope I won't fail any exams. I hate failing. Seriously, I have real issues with failing. I go all suicidal when I don't live up to my (or my parent's) expectations. I screwed up at my driving exam two times and that is bothering me all the time. I hope third time will be the charm or I will probably go crazy.
Anyway, I am feeling kind of dull these days. I hope I will have time to read some good stuff, cause now I spend all day reading about bones.
I hope your life is more exiting :)


I'm still in a philosophical mood. Still watching "Death note". I even dreamed of Kira last night.
Last time I've started writing about the supposed "superhumans" (as in Nietzsche's philosophy. Actually, I haven't read any of his books but I know the idea of superhuman). I gave the examples of Raskolnikov (from "Crime and punishment") and Light Yagami. Superhumans are supposedly not bound by all moral laws applied to the regular people. They can manipulate others ,use them as tools for their own purposes. If you think of yourself as "special", if you think your goals are more important than those of other people you care less and less about how you are affecting them. I think that all leaders have to think that way, it actually requires a lot of strength. You reach for something very significant and you know that a lot of sacrifices will have to be made. But this philosophy mostly spawns extremely egoistical dictators (for example Hitler) who cause only harm. Can a megalomaniac do anything good for other people? The answer is ambiguous. If we look at people as a herd which needs a shepherd then the strong, confident leader is a necessity for the "herd's" happiness. Sometimes everybody feels a need for a master which can make their choices for them. "Freedom is slavery" (or something like that) as in George Orwell's book "1984". The thought of being a slave is kind of attractive sometimes. Maybe that's because I'm weak and lack self-respect. No matter... Freedom of choice is the main factor that makes human a human. Some view it as curse, some -as blessing. The superhuman's idea denies that everybody is free. A few years ago I was in favor of the Nietzsche's idea but now my views have changed.
All people are absolutely equal in terms of freedom. Everybody is responsible for his choices.
Damn, I went off-topic again. I always get carried away. That was not what I was going to write about. Whatever... I still love to think :)

Crime and punishment

If you are into anime you have probably seen "Death note". It's my favorite anime so far. I'm watching it for the second time now. I've decided to watch it more carefully, pay attention to every detail because the show has a lot of very interesting philosophical themes. Recently I've been reading a lot of books. So, while reading Dostoyevski's "Brothers KAramazov" ,I remembered his other awesome book "Crime and punishment" and the similarity between the anime and Dostoevsky's books suddenly struck me. The themes of the both fiction books are very similar. Religion, justice, God, humanity, sins and so on. I'm very interested in questions raised in Death note. First of all:
Is murder always a crime? Can a certain person pass judgment on others (by killing them)? Is society better off without some people?
I don't have my firm opinion on these questions but I find them very intriguing. A few years ago I would have said that ,yes, some people deserve to die and Light Yagami probably did the right thing. He was, after all, an idealist who wanted to lessen the suffering of humanity in a way. Criminals are cruel and disgusting and they do things that are impossible to fathom for a regular person. Children kill their parents (like in "Brothers Karamazov"), sadists torture the innocent, rapes ,murders, assaults... it's just too cruel. So ,by killing criminals , you only get rid of the trash. The idea seems logical. But who exactly should decide if you deserve to live or to die? Isn't that God's job? But if God exists why does he let people suffer so much?
That is the most painful question for those who believe.
The interesting thing is that killing is such a serious moral offense and regular conscience is so against it that we don't even consider it. I'm lying ,actually. I can't talk for all people, who knows what they are thinking. I did consider murder, quite seriously but of course, I automatically think it's wrong so I won't do it. In Crime and punishment, the protagonist (Raskolnikov) is very similar to Light Yagami. They both decide that murder is allowed to certain people for a greater good.
I'm going to continue my musings but now I'm tired and need to think.
If you find the topic interesting, please give me your opinions. I'll be sure to answer to them.
Thank you. Good night :)

Writer's Block: Decision Time

The all-knowing internet. I like to think every option through very rationally and when I'm done I either go to sleep or do something mind-relaxing and then I'm calm and ready to go through with my decision.

test entry: My life sucks

Ok. So hello everybody. My first entry -i'm so excited... Not actually. I just can't find a topic. Ok. No pressure. i can write about whatever i want. I may sound really stupid now. Well, i'm not a genius. Far from it. I can tell you a little about myself.
My own fantasy world is much more developed than my actual life. The person I am in my fantasies is totally different from the person I am in reality. To most people I look like a typical introverted quiet girl. And that I am. But nobody can imagine what goes on my mind.
About a year ago I started taking interest in one specific subject. I don't remember exactly how i became interested in that. First,homosexuality. Then everything related to sex. Just recently I've read in wikipedia that it is typical for socially awkward or love-shy people. Something like that. Sometimes I feel really bad because of my interests. But it also makes my world perception so much more colorful and funny... Maybe I sound weird. I think that I am weird. But I can write about my curiosities later.
Bye for now!